What is your best piece of advice for parenting adult children?
Dear Friends,
Just about eight years ago, my father went to be with the Lord. He was the last of Judy’s and my parents to pass away, and the final year or so with him provided a lot of opportunity for reflection, as we knew his lung condition was terminal. He was a fighter, and because of that, I took more than one trip to his hometown of Lafayette, Indiana to say “goodbye” to him.
Our final interaction and our last goodbye were so memorable. Growing up, my dad was a very stoic man. He was a child of the Great Depression, and he had been made rougher by the difficulties of his own youth. In our final interaction, my dad remarked to me, with great emotion, “I did my best.”
That phrase, “I did my best,” has rung in my ears as one of the most powerful things he ever said to me in my life.
“I did my best” spoke volumes about his intentions and his heart toward me. For all of his failings, he spent a lifetime going all-out to try to love his three boys well. He was a self-made man, and, in many ways, his parenting was self-made, too. He did not have fine examples or great parenting books; he simply did his best and worked at it with his whole heart. I knew he loved me, whether or not his love was delivered well all the time.
“I did my best” also spoke to me about the transition I was going through at that time. Our youngest was graduating college, and our nest was officially “empty.” We were struggling with seeing how we had sometimes failed to totally prepare all of our children for adulthood. It’s so much harder to watch an adult child struggle than to watch a young child struggle. When they are grown, you know that the formative years are well behind you and that they will have to take the raw materials you gave them and begin to form them into a life of responsibility, grace, and independence. Knowing my dad did his best (and still left me short) gave me more freedom to embrace that I had done my best with my children when they were young, and that had to be enough. None of us is perfect. We just do our best.
“I did my best” deeply spoke to me about my own children. They are all parents themselves, now. Each one of them is a loving and very intentional parent. They are all doing their best. As they fail or as their children go through hard times, my responsibility is to be an encouragement to them to continue to do their best. Conversely, my responsibility is not to point out to them where their best just isn’t good enough.
Finally, “I did my best” raised a question for me. What is my best for them now? After thinking through that very loaded question, I came to the conclusion that the best thing I can do for my children is to pray for them. They are each in a battle. They each fight hard for the sake of their children and their marriages each day. Some battles are harder than others, and sometimes they might even lose a battle here and there. My job, as the “patriarch” of the family, is to pray for them with all of my heart.
I love the verse in 2 Timothy 2:15, “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth.” It reminds me that I can come to my Heavenly Father (whose best is always more than enough) and study His Word. I can trust that His Word in me will bear much fruit, and I can rest in knowing that my only Judge is in Heaven. What grace and what abundance!May God’s peace encourage you as you pursue financial wisdom and depend on His Truth.
Blessings,
Ron
Click here for the video transcript
Just about eight years ago, my father went to be with the Lord. He was the last of Judy’s and my parents to pass away, and the final year or so with him provided a lot of opportunity for reflection, as we knew his lung condition was terminal. He was a fighter, and because of that, I took more than one trip to his hometown of Lafayette, Indiana to say “goodbye” to him.
Our final interaction and our last goodbye were so memorable. Growing up, my dad was a very stoic man. He was a child of the Great Depression, and he had been made rougher by the difficulties of his own youth. In our final interaction, my dad remarked to me, with great emotion, “I did my best.”
That phrase, “I did my best,” has rung in my ears as one of the most powerful things he ever said to me in my life.
“I did my best” spoke volumes about his intentions and his heart toward me. For all of his failings, he spent a lifetime going all-out to try to love his three boys well. He was a self-made man, and, in many ways, his parenting was self-made, too. He did not have fine examples or great parenting books; he simply did his best and worked at it with his whole heart. I knew he loved me, whether or not his love was delivered well all the time.
“I did my best” also spoke to me about the transition I was going through at that time. Our youngest was graduating college, and our nest was officially “empty.” We were struggling with seeing how we had sometimes failed to totally prepare all of our children for adulthood. It’s so much harder to watch an adult child struggle than to watch a young child struggle. When they are grown, you know that the formative years are well behind you and that they will have to take the raw materials you gave them and begin to form them into a life of responsibility, grace, and independence. Knowing my dad did his best (and still left me short) gave me more freedom to embrace that I had done my best with my children when they were young, and that had to be enough. None of us is perfect. We just do our best.
“I did my best” deeply spoke to me about my own children. They are all parents themselves, now. Each one of them is a loving and very intentional parent. They are all doing their best. As they fail or as their children go through hard times, my responsibility is to be an encouragement to them to continue to do their best. Conversely, my responsibility is not to point out to them where their best just isn’t good enough.
Finally, “I did my best” raised a question for me. What is my best for them now? After thinking through that very loaded question, I came to the conclusion that the best thing I can do for my children is to pray for them. They are each in a battle. They each fight hard for the sake of their children and their marriages each day. Some battles are harder than others, and sometimes they might even lose a battle here and there. My job, as the “patriarch” of the family, is to pray for them with all of my heart.
I love the verse in 2 Timothy 2:15, “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth.” It reminds me that I can come to my Heavenly Father (whose best is always more than enough) and study His Word. I can trust that His Word in me will bear much fruit, and I can rest in knowing that my only Judge is in Heaven. What grace and what abundance!May God’s peace encourage you as you pursue financial wisdom and depend on His Truth.
Blessings,
Ron
Click here for the video transcript
This is the best advice I've heard about dealing with adult children, or, in my case, adult nieces and nephews. I've already given unsolicited advice to one nephew to prevent him from making the mistakes I've made, and he said he wanted to make his own mistakes. Now I realize I can help him best by continuing to pray for him. And it also takes the pressure off of me to try to tell him everything I've learned in my lifetime.
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We have two Children in their early 20's. Both in Collage. I find myself driving them crazy trying to teach them everything I fell short of teaching them
in the early years. Especially as I have watched them miss handle finances. But I realize I need to put prayer first and look for those teachable , not the I told you so moments.
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I am an adult child with 4 small children and I would say that both my parents and my in-laws follow this advice. Not that they don't have their opinions but for the most part they don't share them unless it's asked for. There are occasions where an opinion is shared but in those cases my wife and I simply take it upon ourselves to either listen to the advice and consider it or to act as if we never heard it. We're confident enough in our own parenting that we wouldn't allow an opinion to disrupt a relationship.
Different people can be more or less accepting of thoughs/opinions/criticism than others.
I wonder though how this advice applies to adult children who never really seem to have grown up. I have an older brother (42 yrs old) who still lives with mom and dad. He's never really caught on to personal responsibility/maturity and can benefit from some parenting. Granted, my parents enable his behavior and can be considered part of the problem, their opinions could possibly be more benificial than harmful.
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Amen, Ron! This is quality advice. The words you share with adult children will be much more warmly received when they are asked for instead of delivered without being asked. It conveys trust and is empowering.
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