How do you most fairly treat an irresponsible adult child in the estate planning process?
Dear Friends,
Just last week, I cleaned out my office files from years of speaking notes, etc. One of the things I stumbled upon was a page from a yellow legal pad from 1985. Judy and I had spent some time evaluating our children’s needs – their areas of weakness and our duty as parents within those areas. We wrote down several goals for ourselves to try to meet needs within our children’s areas of vulnerability. Our kids were 19, 16, 12, 8, and 6 at the time.
In reflecting on that page from the past and in spending time with all of those same children and their families on vacation this week, I had to chuckle at that list. On the one hand, I could never have predicted the transformation in my kids’ lives as they passed from childhood to adulthood. The daughter for whom our greatest concern was her ability to express herself and communicate well is now the linchpin of family interaction and the one who keeps us all in stitches around the dinner table. On the other hand, I still see trace elements of those concerns within my children, as they are (and will always be) who God made them to be. My son for whom our goal was “firm, consistent discipline” has grown into a driven and capable man whose willingness to be bold and take risks has served him well.
What’s a parent to do? How do you know if your child will grow “through” a particularly irresponsible phase? Whenever you are making wealth transfer decisions, you are only dealing with a point in time on a continuum. By the time you are gone, situations will have changed, your children will have grown, and their challenges and temptations will be different. You cannot know for sure what your children will do with the inheritance you leave. For this reason, let me challenge you with the following things:
Blessings,
Ron
Click here for the video transcript
Just last week, I cleaned out my office files from years of speaking notes, etc. One of the things I stumbled upon was a page from a yellow legal pad from 1985. Judy and I had spent some time evaluating our children’s needs – their areas of weakness and our duty as parents within those areas. We wrote down several goals for ourselves to try to meet needs within our children’s areas of vulnerability. Our kids were 19, 16, 12, 8, and 6 at the time.
In reflecting on that page from the past and in spending time with all of those same children and their families on vacation this week, I had to chuckle at that list. On the one hand, I could never have predicted the transformation in my kids’ lives as they passed from childhood to adulthood. The daughter for whom our greatest concern was her ability to express herself and communicate well is now the linchpin of family interaction and the one who keeps us all in stitches around the dinner table. On the other hand, I still see trace elements of those concerns within my children, as they are (and will always be) who God made them to be. My son for whom our goal was “firm, consistent discipline” has grown into a driven and capable man whose willingness to be bold and take risks has served him well.
What’s a parent to do? How do you know if your child will grow “through” a particularly irresponsible phase? Whenever you are making wealth transfer decisions, you are only dealing with a point in time on a continuum. By the time you are gone, situations will have changed, your children will have grown, and their challenges and temptations will be different. You cannot know for sure what your children will do with the inheritance you leave. For this reason, let me challenge you with the following things:
- More than any other gift you give your young children, the gift of character through love and discipline is the thing that will influence their ability to be wise with any inheritance you leave.
- Remember that the money you are passing on is God’s. He entrusted it to you, and now you are called to wisely pass it on to the next generation.
- While wealth transfer planning is not a fun topic, you and your spouse need to revisit your will on a regular basis (every 3 to 5 years) to account for changes in your family.
- As I said in the video, if you love your (adult) children equally, you need to treat them uniquely. There is no rule for parents of adults that mandates “equal justice for all.” Your adult children are probably living very different lives from each other, and it is okay to treat them uniquely in the wealth transfer process.
- Communicate. Just as with any important topic in a relationship, setting expectations ahead of time will do wonders for your family’s ability to be content with your wealth transfer decisions down the road.
- Finally, as I said in the video, pray about how God would have you to respond to each of your children’s needs, character, and lifestyle as you make your wealth transfer decisions. God knows them even better than you do, and He will guide your decisions. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, Who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” (NIV)
Blessings,
Ron
Click here for the video transcript
It made me think!
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I just made some changes to my estate plan, and after listening to Ron, realized that although I sought Christian advice before I made those changes, I didn't pray about my decisions and I need to do that.
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This is definitely a challenging topic. My kids are young enough that I'm not able to see if one of them will be irresponsible with money. Our goal is for all three to be responsible. I will need to revisit this information in a few years as a I have a clearer picture of the kids. Thanks, Ron.
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